And then in April we were able to have my newphew Rymer stay with us for the summer. He went back to live with my sister Gwen in New Mexico in September.

Teenage Riot

That's my cousin, Rachel B. American Teen.


“Spirit desire
We will fall
Spirit desire
We will fall
Spirit desire
We will fall”
- SONIC YOUTH- Teenage Riot

is how the lyrics go.
I am reminded of my teenage years.
They were not the best years of my life.
It was more like
“Sleep. Desire.
Sleep. Desire.
Real, real bored.”

I was asleep to so much. It was the only way I could cope.
Yet I desired so much. All the time longing. For what?
Well of course for The Most Desirable Man in the World.
Desiring a way out of pain. A way to understand. A way to get out of that world.
A way to stay safe in that same world. It was all so hopeless.
And really, really boring. God, life was long.

As the lyrics to “Screenwriter’s Blues” wash over me, I am also brought back to my years in Southern California. Los Angeles County.

“Exits to freeways

Twisted like knots on

The fingers

Jewels cleaving

Skin between

Breasts.”


Exists to freeways everywhere, and me without a car. Without money.
Without a friend I could tell any of this to.
Hardly jewels- they were not a part of my life although it seemed to me to be around the necks of everyone in the Hollywood world I had glimpses of from time to time.
I hated my breasts. I hated my sexuality, but I was always awash in my passion. Desire.


“Los Angeles beckons

The teenagers

To come to her

On buses”


Oh and I did. One magic day that changed everything. The day I found love, my first, my worst.

“Los Angeles loves Love.

You are listening.

You are listening.

You are listening.”

Sometimes it all comes back.

Rose Garden Portland Oregon Dec 19

It's not why you're running
It's where you're going
It's not what you're dreaming
But what you're gonna do
It's not where you're born
It's where you belong
It's not how weak
But what will make you strong
-“Summer Rain” U2

After waiting almost a year, Jamie and I went to see my the greatest band in the wold blow Portland away at the Rose Garden.

It’s a HUUGGEE stadium and it’s almost totally vertical. The seats are narrow and close together and you can’t even get the relief of standing up because you feel like you’re going to fall over. Of course, those were just OUR seats, the cheapest ones in the house, at $60. I’m sure the $150 were better. Marginally. We got there a little early and as I was sitting there I started to get a little claustrophobic since it was a sold out concert and I was surrounded. Also, I’m a little nervous about heights. Just sitting there was giving me vertigo.

By the end of the night, it was obvious to me that it was all worth it.

Kanye West opened for U2- that was a surprise. I like almost every song on his “College Drop out” CD, and I love his latest single “Gold Digger.” He’s been on the MTV video awards, BET awards and Saturday Night Live. Yet, most of those kids where I was sitting didn’t have a clue who he was. Maybe because they were from the same church group, or something. But whatever, I had a good time. Kanye tried to get his sound to fill the stadium, and for the most part he did. He got some people clapping along with him but my God, the man cannot dance. I mean it. It was funny- after all he’s a rapper and of you don’t have a sense of rhythm then you wont find the beat to get your jams out, right?

But he was just ... spazzing and flailing about. I was like What the hell, dude?

But Bono can dance, and he did. They opened with “City of Blinding Lights” and played for over two hours. They did 2 encores and closed with “40". In fact, that closing was one of my favorite parts of the show. At the end of their concerts, U2 typically does this thing where Bono gets the audience to sing the refrain from 40" “How long? How long to their song?”

(Which is funny really- because we always end up sing this same, THEIR song, well after they left the stage. And that’s a long time. I didn’t get the irony until just now, and I’ve been going to U2 concerts since I was 16).

So we sing the refrain back to the band as Bono walks off, then Adam, then Edge. Larry Mullen jr is the last one on the stage- he’s keeping that beat going for us and then he slows down a bit- softer and softer while we sing and then he waves and he’s out of there. But this show, we’re really singing it to him- It’s like every voice is raised and it’s echoing everywhere. Larry is slowing down those drum beats, like he always does ,going softer and softer. This time, he stopped. He took off his headset and sat listening to us still going strong. Then he did something I’ve never seen him do. He smiled, took up his drum sticks and gave us a full blown drum solo. Just beat the shit out of that thing. The crowd went wild- let out this huge roar of approval. It was awesome.

Other highlights were Bullet the Blue Sky. Naturally they kicked ass on their hit “Vertigo”. This was their last gig on a colossal round the world tour which lasted a year. Yet they gave it all, as if they were playing for a smaller venue, as if it was te first day of the tour. U2 is known for this, and they do deliver.

I am amazed each time, and every performance is better than their last. I try to see them every time they come out, but as was the case with their last tour, the tickets sold out too quickly. If they play Portland again, and it sells out, I’m going anyway- there were plenty of tickets sold outside. One guy paid $75 for the $60 ticket just two hors before the show, which I don’t think is a terrible mark up. Later, I heard a woman telling someone that about an hour into the show (before U2 even came on stage) they sold her a ticket for $45!

It was a great night. If I had the resources, I would totally be a U2 groupie and follow their shows all around the world.

We Left Thanksgiving Evening for the Funeral

This is a picture of my sister Amber and I in the snow at a rest stop somewhere in Idaho.

On Thanksgiving, the dwindling members of Landon family headed east towards Montana to have a memorial in honor of Don Landon, my father’s younger brother. Uncle Jim and Aunt Debbie taking the Amtrack. My married sister Crystal, her husband and their three year old son drove their Toyota, and Mom the matriarch, my two youngest sisters, and ME all piled into the 7 year old Pontiac grand prix. I had never been to Montana, not being into cold weather or cowboys. My youngest sisters don’t really get along in the best of situations, so I was leery about what the 14 hours in a car would do. And mom is comfortable with Chaos. However, it ended up being a peaceful drive, everyone getting along; the weather was beautiful and the scenery breath taking. It was like a fun roadtrip, except for the fact we were driving to a funeral.

We all stayed in the Motel 6, where rooms where only $36 a night. Our family took up four rooms total, and we were all on the bottom floor. Oftentimes we had the doors open since everyone was wandering in and out of each others rooms, and the rooms themselves got too smokey as they had no opening windows or good ventilation. The situation reminded me of the dorms back in college.

We had the proper funeral at my uncle’s beloved Church of Christ. Mom, Aunt Debbie and I stood up to say a few words, but we where the only ones. The church people were very nice- put on a pot luck for us, and let us decorate the altar for Uncle Don.

The best part was when we cast a circle under that vast Montana night. We had not lit a fire because it was too damp. It had snowed but the snow was so light… more crystals than the mush we have in Oregon. The sky was clear, and the moon shone on the lake as we stood on its bank, spreading the ashes of my uncle. I was surprised at how warm I was. That shot of B n B we all toasted Uncle Don with really hit the spot. As we all clasped hands, I looked into that sky and blinked back tears. The night felt like a gift from the deceased, one last hug. It wasn’t a Hollywood moment though. As the Christians were praying with bowed heads around me, and I contemplated the heavens above, my three-year-old nephew began to cry and tug at the adult hands clasped in the circle. "Hey he wants in, someone give him your hand!" My sister yelled through the prayer. It was very real. It was simply family.

It was so hard to accept that I wouldn’t speak to him again, or see him. Or even hear news of him. It’s been three funerals in three years for that part of my family. Before I became more familiar with death, I realized that I used to see it in a more gothic, almost romantic slant. Songs of invisible caresses, horror movies of ghost whisperings, books where the scent of the deceased’s favorite cologne lingers- these are cliches of death, and I thought, like most cliches they had some truth to them.

This is not so. Death is much more boring and empty. There is nothing. No whisper in a quiet room. No dancing lights. No fragrance, or invisible hand on your shoulder. It is a void, as if the person never existed in the first place. It seems simple to say, but death is simple: the person you loved is gone and you, as long as you live on this planet, will never see, smell, hear or speak to them again.

Yet three days after the funeral, when I was home, snug in my own bed sleeping, I had a dream. I don’t remember exactly what I was dreaming, only that a lot of stuff was going on. In the middle of whatever colorful and chaotic situation I was dreaming of, someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was a tall and good-looking young man of about thirty. I stopped what I was doing and turned to him. When he grinned at me I saw it as my Uncle Don! He said: "Sorry to interrupt but I gotta go and I just wanted to say good by". He gave me a hug and left. Because it was dream I was surprised but not amazed. I just went back whatever I was doing in dreamland.

When I woke up, I wondered at the dream. Naturally people would say that was just wish fulfillment because I never got to say goodby to my uncle, since his death was so sudden. But I don’t know. I never have dreams where things happen because I’d LIKE them to. It felt real.

I believe there is an afterlife. I’d like to believe that somehow my uncle crossed to void that is death, at least in dreams, to see me one last time.

R.I.P. Donald Ray Landon

Uncle Don at my wedding.
He was my Dad's younger brother. They were all so close. Now there are only two left- my Uncle Jim (the eldest) and my Aunt Debbie (the youngest). They always had Don as the buffer, and Dad as the peacemaker.
They found my uncle on his kitchen floor last Friday morning. He lived alone, but had a neighboor friend, prob'ly another vet like him, who looked in on him from time to time. His girlfriend had dinner with him that very night. Somehow that comforts me because he's always been a loner, and it sounds like he wasnt lying there for days. He had friends.
We are going to Montana, four to a car, leaving right after Thankgsgiving dinner. It's a 14 hour drive, maybe longer depending on the weather.
I dont want to go. We are not having a viewing, there will be no funeral, and we might not be able to join in the spreading of the ashes if his stepsons do not wish us there. And they may not. All that depends on how my Aunt and Uncle act. The will be terrible in their grief, and will tear into each other and anyone else because thats just how they are. God.
Do they realise yet that all they have is each other? Everyone else in the family- well, they can hardly stand them. However, they are my family- the last two Landons in fact, so I am going there for them. It may be the last time we are all together. When my cousin Danielle killed herself, my uncle Don came out here for that. It was the last time I saw or spoke to him.

Four Years Ago

Four years ago today, I put on a long sleeve silk dress, and my boyfriend put on a wool tux and kilt, on the hottest September day in living memory...


Today is Alan and my 4th wedding anniversary. People are so congratulatory and saying things like “I can’t believe it’s been 4 years!” But it feels so natural. I can’t imagine living with anyone else. We both had to work tonight, but he brought Thai food to the office and we ate the feast at my desk. We are celebrating our anniversary tomorrow by going to see Madness play at the Crystal Ballroom. This will be my 4th time seeing a band play there. It’s a fun place for concerts. When it first opened up we saw The String Cheese Incident for like, five bucks. Alan took me to see They Might Be Giants another time, and Jesse and I saw Interpol play an AWESOME show there when their first CD came out.


In other news, I have a free one-month member ship to an all women’s gym. I’ve gone everyday this week. My game plan for tomorrow is to go to the gym, then hit the Jacuzzi before the concert. Life is good indeed!

Internet Love

She wants to feel understood. She wants to feel needed. She wants someone to want her. She wants some compassion. She wants someone to lift her up into strong arms. She wants to feel beautiful and precious. Somebody please tell her that she is beautiful and special and that her eyes are limpid pools of fire.
You want that too?
Then please... go here.... http://vanallens.com/404.html/
He’ll tell you that the page isn’t there, that he doesn’t have what you’re looking for. But just wait. Keep reading. There you will find the Love. Just when you weren’t expecting it. Just when you were searching for something else, expecting something else, there it is in the most unlikely place.
There’s a lesson in everything, even http://vanallens.com/404.html/